Another great race today, Johnny.
Who are you gonna ride in the Stakes?
Eddie, like my daddy always used to say...
and I live by it...
``Never change horses in midstream.``
Never change horses. Sounds like a smart bet.
Always stick with a winner.
Keep America working.
Don`t change horses in midstream.
On election day, reelect the president.
Can you step this way, Mr. Brean?
Lift your arms, please.
That`s him. That`s Mr. Fix-it.
It`s right here.
You have a seat here, Connie.
He doesn`t know anything.
John Levy`s staff, his assistant...
and Amy Cain, Press.
Thank you. That`II be aII.
-Want some coffee? -BIack, pIease.
Gaviston, bring some coffee. BIack.
You kids in this room...
what you hear and say here...
if it gets out, you Ieaked it.
TeII them what they need to know.
When it broke, the president said, ``Get me Conrad Brean.``
What`s the thing?
He had an iIIegaI immigrant nanny years back?
You get ahead in the poIIs, suddenIy you get nervous.
He made a pass at some secretary years ago?
A group of FirefIy GirIs were here Iast month.
One expressed interest in a Frederic Remington bust.
They went in the office behind the OvaI Office.
It couIdn`t have been over three minutes.
The Secret Service wiII confirm that.
It`s not the iIIegaI immigrant nanny thing?
The girI`s aIIeging...
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Maybe we couId say it was a drug reaction to the fIu.
Who`s got the story?
Don`t you want to know if it`s true?
What`s the difference?
It`s a story. They`II run with it.
How Iong tiII it breaks?
Front page, Washington Post, tomorrow.
That`s not good.
-Where is he? -China.
When is he due back?
They`re set to Ieave soon.
He stays on the ground in China at Ieast another day.
Why?
You the Press Office?
Earn your money. He`s iII.
When do we bring him back?
I`m gonna need a day.
He`s sick. Get that out now.
TeII the jackaIs how sick he is.
We gotta get that out before the story breaks.
Issue a buIIetin. He`s got some rare strain--
-Won`t hoId. -I need running time.
It won`t hoId a day.
It wiII. I`II teII you why.
Why is the president in China?
-Trade reIations. -You`re right.
It`s got nothing to do with the B-3 bomber.
-There is no B-3 bomber. -I just said that.
I don`t know why these rumors get started.
I need $20,000. I need a car.
Get me a car and driver.
The southwest gate.
What?
What is it?
Campaign commerciaI. ShouId we Iook at it?
Put it in. This shouId be interesting.
What is it?
The other side`s new commerciaI.
The NeaI commerciaI.
We had somebody steaI it.
This`II be on the air the day after tomorrow.
In the final days of the campaign...
has the president changed his tune?
Thank heaven for little girls.
The presidency is about honor.
Thank heaven for little girls.
It`s about principles.
Without them, what would little boys do?
It`s about integrity.
This tune has got to change.
On election day, vote Neal for president.
Oh, boy.
Who`s gonna take the press conference today?
Is there a press conference today?
What do you think?
We have to use this as a base of operations.
I`m gonna need one, two days.
Whoever`s Ieaking that stuff to the Post Iets it sIip...
``I hope this won`t screw up the B-3 program.``
``What B-3 program, and why shouId it screw it up?``
``If the president depIoys the B-3...
before it`s fuIIy tested...``
``DepIoy the B-3 before it`s fuIIy tested?``
``Why?``
``The crisis.``
-What crisis? -I`m working on that.
Get GeneraI Scott and the Joint Chiefs of Staff...
and put them on a pIane to SeattIe.
He`s nervous to taIk to the Boeing peopIe.
But what?
There isn`t a B-3 bomber.
-Where`d you go to schooI? -Dartmouth.
Then show a IittIe spunk. There is no B-3 bomber.
GeneraI Scott, to your knowIedge...
is not in SeattIe to taIk to Boeing.
It won`t prove out.
It doesn`t have to prove out. We just gotta distract them.
Got Iess than two weeks tiII the eIection.
What in the worId wouId do that?
I`m working on it.
Winifred, Mr. Brean.
-What`s this? -$20,000.
I gotta go to L.A. and see a HoIIywood producer.
Meet me at NationaI in an hour.
We`II go to Chicago and connect there to L.A.
See you at NationaI.
TeII me this again.
We Ianding?
TeII me again.
Don`t worry. It`s nothing new.
During Reagan`s administration, 240 Marines kiIIed in Beirut.
24 hours Iater, we invade Grenada.
That was their M.O.
Change the story, change the Iead.
It`s not a new concept.
Wake me when we Iand. We`II taIk more.
Wait. We can`t afford a war.
We`re not having a war.
We`re having the appearance of a war.
We cannot afford it.
-What`II it cost? -But they wouId find out.
Who`s gonna find out? The American peopIe?
Who`s gonna teII them?
What did they find out about the GuIf War?
One video of one bomb faIIs down a chimney.
The buiIding couId have been made out of Legos.
-You want us to go to war? -That`s the generaI idea.
With who?
I`m working on it.
AIbania?
Why?
Why not? What do you know about them?
-Nothing. -PreciseIy.
They seem shifty, standoffish.
Who knows from AIbania? Who trusts AIbanians?
What did AIbania ever do to us?
What did they do for us?
This is why we have to mobiIize the B-3 bomber.
You reaIIy want to go to war with AIbania?
We don`t have a choice. This is what you do.
Get your press office right now to deny it.
It didn`t happen.
``There is no report of AIbanian activity.``
They have to deny it.
-It didn`t happen. -Deny.
...news from the president on his visit to China.
Another sort of news, however...
has emerged from the presidential quarter.
We turn to Melissa Gardner at KZAB in Santa Fe...
with this breaking news.
Thanks, Richard. Today a local Firefly Girl...
accused the president of sexual misconduct.
This photo of the president with the girls...
was taken during their tour of the White House.
The girl claims that the sexual misconduct...
occurred inside the Oval Office.
Her attorney says there are no plans yet...
to hold a press conference.
Folks in Santa Fe and the rest of America...
are waiting for a response from the White House...
on these harsh allegations.
With the election days away, the big question is...
how much will this scandal affect the outcome?
Top peopIe, AIbanian desk.
I don`t know, either, but we probabIy have one.
Roust them out of bed.
AIbanian desk, CIA, NSA. Roust them, sirens bIaring.
I know they`re gonna be up in an hour.
I want them up now. TeII your staff...
GeneraI Scott in SeattIe?
I don`t think his trip has to do with the B-3 bomber.
I`II have to ask you to turn that off.
It`II just be a second.
There are no eIectronics on the pIane.
I have to ask you to turn that off.
It`II just take two seconds.
We`ve said fIat out there is no B-3 bomber.
I understand.
If it is true, he should, he must step down...
and if it`s not true, then he must...
We are informed he has extended his visit to China.
I say on behalf of the American people, come home.
Face the music, whatever that may be.
The election`s in 1 1 days.
Let the American people decide.
``Let the American people decide.``
Senator Neal, presidential candidate.
Excuse me, Senator...
That`s 1 1 days till the election...
and the president ahead in the polls by--Bob?
Seventeen percent.
Accusations have surfaced which could affect the outcome...
The White House has announced...
in response to the media pressure...
there will be a press conference.
This is how a HoIIywood producer Iives?
This is bigger than the White House.
Get me my veggie shake...
and remind me to turn over in 10 minutes...
to tan the other side.
Do I know you?
We have mutuaI friends in Washington.
Yes, as you said, and is it true?
Mr. Motss, I wouIdn`t--
You wouIdn`t be here if it wasn`t true.
ReaIIy, who couId say?
I Iike the guy. He signed his book to me...
``For two generations--`` What was it?
``For progress to occur,`` I think he said.
Two Generations to Agree, yes.
That`s what he inscribed. How`d you know that?
That`s the titIe of the book.
That`s the titIe?
For Progress to Occur It`s Necessary for Two--
That`s a terribIe titIe.
You`re right.
For Two Generations to Agree. That is the titIe.
I never Iooked at the cover.
I just Iooked at what he wrote to me.
When you get the time, read the cover.
John Levy is expected to respond to the allegations...
of sexual misconduct by the president.
This guy is fucked.
What one has to do, Mr. Motss, is fight a hoIding action.
They`II run this man through the shredder.
If we hoId the break in the dam tiII the eIection...
we got a chance.
You can`t hoId the dam.
I don`t get what you want me to do.
...advised him to stay in China for one or two days.
During that time, of course, we`ll remain--
But he`s gotta come back sometime.
What is one or two days gonna buy you?
Look at aII those hands.
Brer Rabbit couIdn`t get out of this.
Would you comment please on the rumors...
that the president`s delay...
is due to the situation in Albania?
There is...
I`m not aware of the situation to which you refer.
We`vejust learned that the State Department...
has set up a special Albanian task force at Ops Center.
Mr. Sklansky, I am--We have-- Mrs. Rose?
Early this morning, General Scott flew to Seattle.
Is his trip connected with the B-3 bomber?
To the best of my knowledge, there is no B-3 bomber.
Mr. Levy, is the situation in Albania related...
to the Muslim fundamentalist anti-American uprising?
Now they get it.
There you go. There`s a IittIe heIp.
...that have fundamentalist movements...
How cIose are you to this?
What do you want the kid to say?
We will keep you apprised of any new information.
At this time, there is no information...
Have him say...
I know we`re aII concerned for the president.
I`m sure that our hopes and prayers are with him.
CouId you have Levy say...
``I know we`re aII concerned for the president.
I`m sure our hopes and prayers are with him.``
I want to say I know we are all concerned for the president...
and our hopes and prayers are with him.
He didn`t phrase it right.
He didn`t seII the Iine.
You bought yourseIf one day, maybe two.
AII I need is 11 tiII the eIection.
This isn`t gonna hoId for 11 days.
-The guy fucked a GirI Scout. -A FirefIy GirI.
He fucked a FirefIy GirI.
What are you gonna do to hoId that off?
I`m gonna get my veggie shake.
What do you think wouId hoId it off?
Nothing.
You`d have to have a war.
You`re kidding. You`re not kidding.
I`m in show business. Why come to me?
I`II teII you why.
``54, 40, or fight.`` What does that mean?
-It`s a sIogan. -``Remember the Maine.``
``Tippecanoe and TyIer, too.``
They`re war sIogans.
We remember the sIogans, not the wars.
You know why?
That`s show business. That`s why we`re here.
Naked girI, covered in napaIm.
``V`` for victory.
5 Marines raising the fIag, Mount Surabachi.
You remember the picture in 50 years, but forget the war.
The GuIf War, smart bomb faIIing down a chimney.
2,500 missions a day, 100 days.
One video of one bomb.
The American peopIe bought that war.
War is show business. That`s why we`re here.
What do you do for the president?
Why AIbania?
Why not?
They gotta know at some point.
Who?
The pubIic.
They gotta know?
Get with it. Who kiIIed Kennedy?
I read the first draft of the Warren Report.
Says he was kiIIed by a drunk driver.
The GuIf War. What do you see day after day?
The one smart bomb faIIing down a chimney.
The truth?
I was in the buiIding when we shot that shot.
We shot it in a studio in FaIIs Church, Virginia.
1l10 scaIe modeI of a buiIding.
Is that true?
How do we know? You take my point?
AII right.
You want me to do what?
To produce.
You want me to produce your war?
Not a war. It`s a pageant.
We need a theme, a song, some visuaIs.
It`s a pageant.
It`s Iike the Oscars. That`s why we came to you.
I never won an Oscar.
That`s a shame, but you produced the Oscars.
Indeed, I did.
You`re a writer, that`s your script.
You`re a director, but if you`re the producer...
nobody knows what you do.
The producer, aII he`s got is the credit.
You see? And some pIaques on the waII.
They don`t know what we do. Don`t get me started.
If you never won an Oscar...
how wouId you Iike an ambassadorship?
An ambassadorship? That`s my payoff?
TeII me what you want.
I`d just do it for a story to teII.
You couIdn`t teII anybody.
I`m just kidding.
-You couIdn`t teII anybody. -Just a figure of speech.
It`s a pageant.
That`s what it is.
The country`s at war.
It`s Miss America. You`re Bert Parks.
-Why AIbania? -Because.
What do we have that they want?
-Freedom. -Why wouId they want that?
-Oppressed? -Fuck freedom.
They want to destroy the godIess Satan.
They want to destroy our way of Iife.
AII right?
The president is in China.
He is deaIing with the dispatch of the B-3 bomber to AIbania.
Why?
Why? HeIp me.
Geo-poIiticaIIy...
We found out they have the bomb.
-That`s good. -And...wait a second.
The bomb`s not there...
because they`d have to have a rocket and that shit.
They are a bunch of wogs. Cross that out.
It`s a suitcase bomb.
I didn`t know I said that.
It`s a suitcase bomb. You don`t need missiIes.
You can put a bomb in a suitcase.
That`s good. A suitcase bomb.
It`s a suitcase bomb.
When it`s cooking, it`s cooking.
We`re cooking, and it`s in...
Canada. AII right?
AIbanian terrorists have pIaced a suitcase bomb...
in Canada in an attempt to infiItrate it into the USA.
-That`s good. -That`s terrific.
I`II teII you why. It is cost effective.
It`s producing. That`s what it is.
-It`s reaIIy great. -I couId teII you stories.
CeciI B. De MiIIe, The Greatest Show on Earth...
he needs an eIephant.
I got the president on the Iine.
One minute.
Needs an eIephant for a reshoot. Know what he does?
Ames here. Yes, sir?
You Iistening?
-Nobody`s Iistening. -I`m Iistening.
-The suitcase bomb. -Good titIe for a movie.
PIease, write it down. Don`t editoriaIize.
The thinking is, terrorism.
Act One: AIbania denies everything.
The president comes on the air, ``Be caIm.``
Know what I need?
Get me Johnny Dean, Liz Butsky, and the Fad King.
Isn`t Johnny Dean in the...
Back in NashviIIe.
-Act Two. -We don`t need an Act Two.
Don`t forget Fad King. We don`t need an Act Two?
We just have to hoId their interest for 11 days.
It`s a teaser.
AbsoIuteIy right.
Grace. Teaser.
They`re getting a good reaction on the AIbanian thing.
HeIIo, John, you two-bit redneck shitkicker.
How the heck are you?
Get out.
He`s got a new wife.
He`s riding in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a dog.
We need you here yesterday.
AII right? Get your ass out here.
The president wonders about the possibIe AIbanian backIash.
You can`t have a war without an enemy.
We couId, but it wouId be duII.
How Iong do we need him?
We`re done in 11 days.
EIeven days. We need you.
You want to write a song for us?
Is there gonna be a back end?
Is there a back end?
Back end?
Percentage points, money.
Count on it.
Where is the back end coming from?
It`s Iike that yeIIow ribbon thing.
The hostages.
They tied the yeIIow ribbons around everything.
But that was a naturaIIy occurring--
That was a put-up job?
I want you to get Johnny a ticket.
Fad King on two.
He`s riding in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a dog.
Are you shitting me?
King, got a thing here, product pIacement.
Of course there`s a back end.
-It can`t be a ribbon. -What`s wrong with a ribbon?
AIDS has the yeIIow ribbon thing.
Fuck ribbons.
Canada. Our neighbor to the north...
aII of a sudden transformed into that pIace from whence...
Iike the north wind, terror comes.
I Iike that. Keep taIking.
What guards us against Canada?
I guard the Canadian border.
Mounties guard the border. Mountie hats.
Stupid fucking hats.
Davy Crockett had a hat.
You couId crush them and put them in your pocket.
You can`t put a mountie hat in your pocket.
You see this? This is what producing is.
You put me in a room with taIent...eIectric.
I`m thinking armbands.
-Armbands is good. -I`m thinking green.
Last year, the number one coIor in new cars was green.
-PeopIe Iike green. -Hunter.
Hunter green. Strong, pride, dignity.
Not KeIIy green.
I Iike it with a hat.
-Maybe. -You see that?
Sit on my lap if you love me...
but don`t put your hand down there.
I didn`t mean--
We`ll take a short nap.
I thought you shouId see it.
It shouIdn`t be a song.
I`m glad that your mama`s not here.
Don`t do a song about it.
I thought it was funny.
Sit on my lap...
I don`t think it`s appropriate for what we`re doing.
I just meant for you to see it.
I guard the Canadian border.
The president spent the weekend pressing the flesh.
He wasn`t campaigning. He was dating, actually.
Change this. Thank you.
Behind the mention of Albania, of his stomach flu...
taking refuge these scant days away from the election.
Young girI in rubbIe.
She was driven from her home by AIbanian terrorists.
It is her we are mobiIizing to defend.
-Or is it she? -It is her.
Can we get her a kitten?
Young girI in rubbIe with a kitten.
That`s good.
This is too static.
Young girI running from the viIIage.
More energy.
Time to face these terrible charges...
to answer all of these questions.
-What`s this? -Head shots.
GirIs to pIay the victim in our news footage.
Write this down.
Young girI running from viIIage towards camera.
Grainy hand-heId news footage.
Send it to everyone.
What do you think? I Iike the sorrowfuI one.
What is this again?
Young AIbanian girI running from her home.
I Iike this broad here.
Where? Too Texan.
We`re Iocked into AIbania. Why?
AIbania`s hard to rhyme.
What are you Iooking at me for?
It`s the name of the country.
That rhymes.
-John BeIushi? -Jim.
Jim BeIushi.
-Jim BeIushi what? -AIbanian?
Jim BeIushi`s AIbanian?
Are you kidding?
Know anybody who`s eaten in an AIbanian restaurant?
-Is there such a thing? -Has to be.
-Is there a nationaI dish? -We can make it up.
Jim BeIushi is AIbanian.
What time is it?
3:03.
Great idea.
To the men and women of the 303 detachment with their...
Leopard skin.
With their berets.
How about aII bIack?
That`s good.
Half black, half leopard...
wear it on your head.
Half black, half leopard...
wear it to your bed.
Half black, half leopard.
I guard...
the American dream.
I guard...
the American dream.
Everybody`s always in a hurry these days.
If they`re not rushing somewhere...
they`re changing something that doesn`t need changing.
That`s why I`m glad we`re behind the president.
Sure we are. Itjust makes good sense.
You don`t want to change horses in midstream.
Why are they sticking with this age-oId horseshit?
Why are they sticking with the same garbage?
-Who hires these peopIe? -I feeI insuIted having seen it.
-It`s offensive. -Poorly costumed.
New York Times, Washington Post: war.
Times got the FirefIy GirI in the StyIe section.
Post on page 12.
It`s good. HeIIo?
It`s very important. Listen up.
It`s aII war. You`re doing good.
WouId you vote for that person based on that commerciaI?
-I don`t vote. -Why don`t you vote?
When Major League BasebaII started the fans voting...
I voted for Boog PoweII on first base.
He didn`t get in, and it disappointed me.
It`s futiIe.
You`ve never voted for president?
Do you vote?
No. I aIways vote for the Academy Awards...
but I never win.
Liz, do you vote?
I don`t vote. I don`t Iike the rooms.
Too cIaustrophobic. I can`t vote in smaII pIaces.
It`s about that time.
We got the AIbanian girI with a cat, a kitten, and a dog.
I don`t want a dog. I asked for a kitten.
I understand that, but the pet wrangIer suggested--
I need to speak to the president before you pick an animaI.
Can`t they find me a kitten? Listen to me.
AIbanian terrorists have a staging area...
for their atomic workshop. That`s why she`s fIeeing.
What if it wasn`t AIbania? Say it was ItaIy?
I can get a Iot of cash if it`s ItaIy.
``Give them the boot.`` What if a shoe was the fad?
The IittIe girI is coming toward the camera.
What does she have in her hands? A kitten.
AIbania doesn`t do anything for me.
That`s the probIem.
-We`re Iocked into AIbania. -Why is that?
The president`s going to war in about 30 minutes.
DecIaring war on AIbania?
We`re not decIaring war. We`re going to war.
We haven`t decIared war since WorId War II.
We`re going to war.
This late-breaking news just in from Air Force One.
The president of the United States...
has said he apologizes for the need for secrecy...
and he assures that it is necessary...
for the safety of the men and women in combat.
He says that the Republic of Albania...
long a staging ground for terrorism around the world.
He mentioned a state of war is or is about to happen...
between the United States and the Republic of Albania.
How many kittens do we have?
There ought to be kittens a-pIenty. I caIIed.
PeopIe, Iet`s get started.
My name is StanIey Motss. I`II be your producer.
What I wouId Iike you to do, Miss--
Tracy Lime.
Stand against that waII, and on my signaI...
I want you running toward me, screaming.
-Can we get you anything? -I`m fine.
How about a cup of tea? A IittIe miIk, Iow fat?
You OK?
Fine. Let`s try one.
Is this a nationaI? Is that the case?
It`s a direct buy-out.
Have your agent-- What is this?
What is this, a menagerie?
I can`t wait to put this on my résumé.
Can I taIk to you for a minute?
This is a speciaI kind of situation.
We have a schnauzer and what appears to be--
It`s a Lhasa apso.
It couIdn`t have been simpIer. Kittens.
What you got here is a cross between a dog--
I just want kittens.
AbsoIuteIy, sir. The president wants a kitten.
I want a kitten.
Get rid of the dogs and keep the kittens.
Miss. Excuse me.
I have to have you sign this sheet of paper.
My agent wouId be miffed with me if I--
This doesn`t have to do with your deaI.
This is your security cIearance.
Right there.
Nice signature. Thank you.
Nice meeting you.
This is a nice one.
That`s a cat. These are kittens.
They wanted to give options.
It`s too confusing. He`s pushing the Lopso opso.
-We`II do it opticaIIy. -DigitaIIy.
Let`s try to shoot one.
-Stacey-- -Tracy.
I want you to stand over here.
Here you go. Right there.
These are chips.
HoId the bag when you run.
It`s for the arm position. On screen, it`II be a kitten.
Can I hoId the kitten?
We`II punch it in Iater.
You`re gonna punch the kitten Iater?
Why?
For a wider set of options.
A wider option of what?
Of kittens.
Sir, aII kidding aside, I get to put it on my résumé?
ActuaIIy, no.
What is it, a guiId thing or something?
You can never teII anyone you did this.
What couId they do?
They`d come to your house and kiII you.
The president.
Stop the makeup. She`s been raped by terrorists.
-She`s not paIe enough. -Jump out.
They`re starting to shoot now...
and they`re gonna do the kitten thing opticaIIy.
That`s right, Mr. President.
I don`t know how they do the kitten opticaIIy...
but they know what they`re doing.
She`s not an iIIegaI immigrant, is she?
CouId I see the contract?
Why is it so fIat?
Because the president cannot empIoy an iIIegaI immigrant.
-Let`s use more spray. -Cover up.
Let`s keep working!
Are we getting there?
Good. Put the viIIage behind her.
Gimme some fIames.
How about some screaming?
Screaming`s good.
Some sound of screaming.
What might be good is ooh-ahh sirens.
You know. Anne Frank.
That`s good.
Find us the Anne Frank sirens.
That`s chiIIing. That`s good.
That`s giving me goose bumps.
Find us the ooh-ahhs.
We`re gonna be back in Washington when?
We`II be back tonight.
Tonight is...
It seems that Senator NeaI has discovered something.
It makes no difference about Senator NeaI.
I don`t care what he`s got. We got a war.
Look at that girI.
Doesn`t she Iook AIbanian?
She Iooks Iike she was born and raised in AIbania.
I got an instinct for casting. Don`t ask me why.
We`re gonna do it again, sweetie.
-What`s her name, Stacey? -Tracy.
One more time. You`re doing fine.
CouId she be running across a bridge?
She`s running across a burning bridge.
-That Iooks good. -That`s beautifuI.
Of course, we`II need some water.
Is it a stream?
I think...
-A pond? -I think...
I think it`s a caIico kitten.
She`s running across with a kitten.
Can we have a caIico kitten? PIease?
FIoyd, punch in a caIico kitten.
I have 19 screens here.
I can`t see one caIico kitten.
The thinking is a smaII caIico kitten, sir.
We have a smaII caIico kitten.
-What? -He wants a white one.
He wants a white one?
Let me taIk to him.
He`s mobiIizing the sixth fIeet.
Can I taIk to him?
He`s mobiIizing the sixth fIeet.
I hate it when they start to meddIe.
Can we have a white one?
He wants a white one.
Thank you.
Are we ready yet?
How soon can we get this cut?
4 or 5 hours.
That`s good. We can Ieak that to the press...
they can downIink it on TeI star 401, transporter 21.
Makes you gIad you`ve Iived this Iong.
This just in--a special report from the Albanian front.
We`vejust received information...
the young Albanian national fleeing in this video...
is attempting to escape terrorist reprisals...
in her village.
America has seldom witnessed...
a more poignant picture of the human race...
Fantastic.
They used the same process...
with the Iast Schwarzenegger movie.
Isn`t that amazing how they do that?
This is onIy the beginning.
Wait tiII we get the song.
Then you got the song, image, merchandising tie-ins.
This is onIy the beginning.
We were right. You`re the man.
To the beginning.
Got your car.
I hate it when they send these Iong ones.
-Did you make the turn OK? -Not a probIem.
I`m sorry. You think it`s too ostentatious?
Just fine. I`II stretch out.
Good. Just make due.
I`II see you in NashviIIe.
Go with the two-tone hat.
I don`t care. You work it out.
You. You must have had simiIar situations in the past.
There are unconfirmed reports from a reliable source...
that things are in motion.
What I`m hearing-- and this is a quote--
``The president is looking for a swift...
painless, and victorious conclusion to the war.``
However, the source will not go on record.
All I can tell you is this comes from the highest level.
New York Times, Washington Post...
Detroit Register, Sacramento Bee...
aII in remission. No mention of the FirefIy GirI.
10 days to go. Big Bird Iands when?
Five a.m.
Anything at the airport?
The press thought no. What do you think?
Here`s what I think. Is it gonna rain?
Can you give me the weather tomorrow morning?
Andrews, five a.m.
A young AIbanian girI...
dressed in her...whatever.
Is there some harvest festivaI...
an AIbanian harvest festivaI, something Iike that?
Find me an AIbanian harvest festivaI.
There`s gotta be something.
Anyway, she gives him the sacred whatever it is...
teIIing him this is a sacred traditionaI offering...
given to the man who ties the first sheaf...
the Iast sheaf, who knows what sheaf?
Is she saying this in AIbanian?
She`s speaking in AIbanian...
because this is the onIy way it can be understood...
by her sacred, sainted, and aged mother...
We`re picking them up now.
The old lady starts to speak.
``You have brought peace not only to this--``
The chiId speaks.
A face of innocence, no cynicism.
The chiId says...
Are you getting this?
The oId broad starts to cry.
Big Bird shrugs off his secret service,...
covers her with his coat, end of story.
Can you find out if we could get some rain tomorrow?
How is Big Bird holding up?
He`s good.
He does want to know-- what does Motss want?
I don`t know. Ambassador to Togo.
No rain tomorrow at Andrews, but there`s rain at Boca Raton.
Then direct the pIane to Boca.
Connie says divert the pIane to Boca.
What`s happening?
Can I heIp you?
What`s the probIem?
We`re in a rush.
Do you know who we are?
I`m afraid that`s the troubIe, Miss Ames.
CIA.
I have this to say...
...every American man, woman, and child...
What am I gonna do?
I have a three-year-oId daughter...
eventuaIIy headed for orthodonture.
Now that the CIA knows, I`m gonna Iose everything--
my career, my reputation. What am I gonna do?
Brazen it through.
Took you Iong enough.
We found them as soon as we couId.
AII right.
After I`m done with them, what do they want me to do?
Lug them back to the district or dump them in the country...
Iet the FBI trip over them?
LegaI department says you pick.
Depends on what we want to do with them.
This is a special report on the war in Albania.
We`vejust received more details...
on the Albanian girl running for her life.
The young girl was trying to escape...
after hearing her family was killed.
Apparently, there was a family connection in Canada.
Two things I know to be true...
there`s no difference between good fIan and bad fIan...
and there is no war.
Guess who I am.
I wouId Iike to point out that I am under medicaI care...
and taking medication, side effects of which have--
Quite touching.
I aIso take this opportunity...
to suggest that, equaIIy, I admit to nothing...
and I wouId Iike my Iawyer present.
We show, and NSA confirms...
there are no nucIear devices on the Canadian border.
There are no nucIear devices in AIbania.
AIbania has no nucIear capacity.
Our spy sateIIites...
show no secret terrorist training camps...
in the AIbanian hinterIand.
The border patroI, the FBI, the RCMP report...
no--repeat-- no untoward activity...
aIong our picturesque Canadian border.
The AIbanian government is screaming its defense.
The worId is Iistening.
There is no war.
There`s a war. I`m watching it on teIevision.
Who might you be?
-Conrad Brean. -Who do you work for?
Nobody whose name you want me to say.
It`s aII weII, but when the fit hits the shan...
somebody has to stay after schooI.
Who might that be?
I don`t know what you`re taIking about.
The spy sateIIites show it.
They show no war.
Then what good are they?
Why spend a quarter triIIion doIIars a year on defense?
What good are they?
Are they useIess or just broken?
I wouId Iike to point out further...
that these medications taken in conjunction--
If there`s no threat, then where are you?
If there`s no threat, what good are you?
You are the threat.
I`m the threat?
What have I been doing the Iast 30 years...
that you haven`t been doing?
The Iast 30 years...
I have been working to ensure the security of my country.
I`m sure that speaks weII of you and your parents...
but if forced to choose between the security of your country...
and the security of your job, which wouId you pick?
WhiIe you hesitate, permit me to suggest...
that they are one in the same.
I`m doing my job. That`s what you see me doing.
I`m doing my job, too.
The constant stress I am under...
Let me ask you a simpIe question.
Why do peopIe go to war?
I`II pIay your siIIy game.
To ensure their way of Iife.
-WouId you fight to do that? -I have.
If you went to war again, who wouId it be against?
Your abiIity to fight a two-ocean war against who?
Sweden and Togo?
That time has passed. It`s over.
The war of the future is nucIear terrorism.
It`II be against a smaII group of dissidents...
who, unbeknownst perhaps to their own governments, have...
To go to that war, you have to be prepared.
You gotta be aIert. The pubIic has gotta be aIert...
because that is the war of the future...
and if you`re not gearing up to fight that war...
then the ax wiII faII. You`II be out in the street.
You can caII this a driII, caII this job security...
caII it anything you Iike, but I got one for you.
Go to war to preserve your way of Iife?
Chuck, this is your way of Iife.
If your spy sateIIites don`t see nothing...
if there ain`t no war...
then you can go home and take up goIf...
`cause there ain`t no war but ours.
Thank you.
Drive carefuIIy.
Nice enough peopIe.
They just hadn`t thought it through.
You taIked us out of there.
We got deIayed. We`re going to NashviIIe.
What?
You couId taIk a dog off a meat truck.
Thank you.
We just got stuck.
AII systems five-by-five. See you in NashviIIe.
You saved our bacon.
It was just a...
a phenomenaI performance.
You turned them around.
They hadn`t thought it through.
He`s moving across the tarmac.
But it appears something has distracted the president...
and he has stopped moving toward the waiting motorcade.
There`s a little girl...
trying to speak to the president.
It seems she`s speaking in--
Is it Albanian?
Can we get someone to translate?
Dan, I think what she is saying...
is that this wheat offering is sort of ceremonial...
and that it is the first sheaf...
the first cut of the harvest.
I`m not proficient in Albanian...
but the old woman is quite taken...
as the president is offering her the coat.
It is quite an emotional moment here.
There comes a time...
in the course of human events...
when a threat must be answered...
with courage and strength.
Our forefathers earned...
the right to be free.
Now it`s time...
to guard their dream.
We guard...
our American borders.
We guard...
the American dream.
We guard our right...
to fight for democracy...
and keep our country free.
We guard...
our American spirit.
We guard...
the American dream.
Our country`s built...
on the rock of liberty.
And we, as people...
must keep it free.
It is for life...
liberty...
the pursuit of happiness...
Freedom, `tis of thee.
We guard...
our American borders.
We guard...
the American dream.
I Ioved the fat, wet AIbanian broad.
Thank you.
You know why? It was understated.
You got Iucky with the rain, too.
We had to divert the pIane to Boca Raton.
You shouId have come to me. We have rain machines.
I`m a producer. I make rain.
Next time.
I havejust gotten word...
that the situation in Albania is resolved...
that it is resolved.
The CIA confirms...
that our troops along the Canadian border...
and overseas are standing down.
I must take this opportunity to call upon our president...
What does he mean, the situation has been resoIved?
He just ended the war.
He ended the war?
Why did he do that?
I think the CIA cut a better deaI.
He ended the war?
He can`t end the war.
He`s not producing this.
This is in bad taste.
Can we stop this?
Stop. It`s over.
Can we stop this?
Stop the choir.
It has been quite a week, Richard.
I can`t remember when any president...
was hit with the flu, a war...
and accused of sexual misconduct by a teenage girl...
all in the same seven-day period.
This, of course, only days before he runs for reelection.
We`vejust received information from sources at the CIA...
that confirms the cessation of hostilities...
The CIA.
I thought they Iet us out too easiIy.
The war`s over.
It`s over. I saw it on teIevision.
I have to seII my house.
The war is not over.
I saw it on TV.
That`s what you hired me for.
The war isn`t over untiI I say it`s over.
This is my picture. This is not the CIA`s picture.
You think you`re in a tight spot now?
Try making The Four Horsemen of the ApocaIypse.
Three of the horsemen died.
Hear what he`s saying? Three of the horsemen died...
two weeks before the end of principaI photography.
This is nothing.
This is just Act One, ``The War.``
We reaIIy do need an Act Two, so we work.
Act Two.
You know what it`s Iike?
The Japanese. In the caves.
-Go on. -Okinawa.
They didn`t beIieve the war was over.
We have a guy who doesn`t beIieve--
We have an American serviceman.
A brave American serviceman is Ieft behind.
A hero.
I can`t beIieve it. What was I thinking?
We had a war. We forgot the hero.
You can`t have a war and not have a hero.
It`s Iike we sent a Christmas card...
and Ieft out the-- What do you caII it?
-Fruitcake. -There you go.
Let`s work.
We got a guy who`s Ieft behind, so--
This is terrific. This is Iucky this happened.
He was Ieft behind, just discarded...
Iike an oId shoe.
That`s good.
What`s good? What did I say?
-Shoe. -OId shoe?
It`s just instinct.
Get me the Pentagon...
a Iist of peopIe in aII miIitary speciaI programs.
``Left behind Iike an oId shoe.`` That is good.
I want to taIk to Johnny.
What is it?
The war is over.
We`re going to need a new song.
It shouId be a song about a shiny shoe...
a bIack patent shoe...
a good oId shoe.
I was on my way to get drunk.
You get drunk, but I need a good oId shoe song.
A baIIad of Ioss...
-Want to heIp me? -Redemption.
Loss and redemption is very good.
Shit. What key do you want it in?
I don`t know keys.
PeopIe here are depressed because the war just ended.
PIease give me a new song.
I got him.
King, Pentagon.
Take it.
I need a Iist of miIitary speciaI programs.
Bottom of the ninth.
They don`t know who they`re pIaying with.
They don`t shut down our picture.
You peopIe gonna be Iong?
Otherwise, I`II put away the equipment.
I don`t know what I`m doing.
I think I`m supposed to be writing a song.
What kind of song?
Is there anybody there named...
Schumann?
-Schuster? -Schumacher.
I got a great idea.
OId shoe, new shoe.
Daddy had a hound dog...
used to call him Blue.
Follow me `round...
stick to me like glue.
His favorite thing to play with...
used to be a good ol` shoe.
Wait a minute. Used to be.
You hit that 16-16.
Well, I wish I had a woman...
who was half as good and true.
Anybody here know Morse code?
What you gonna do?
Give me the fax.
Sergeant WiIIiam Schumann, U.S. Army...
seriaI number 2131284262.
Good oI` shoe...
Here`s the deaI.
Good Ol` Shoe.
Whatever you walk in...
he will get you through.
He`s in a sweater...
and he`s...
We drop him behind enemy Iines.
He`s trapped.
The sweater.
-In the sweater. -Good.
Is there a way we can make it sound oId and scratchy...
with, Iike, a hiss?
With an oId IabeI.
I see where you`re going.
Stand up straight and tall...
the way he taught you to.
I`II write a speech.
I`II heIp you with the speech.
The president reveaIs that WiIIiam Schumann...
was trapped behind enemy Iines.
This is good.
HeartfeIt.
Touching.
PeopIe wiII weep.
Soul of a good ol` shoe.
He might even get to heaven...
on the soul of his good ol`...
shoe.
Here`s the president`s speech.
Put this in the Library of Congress.
FoIk music section, 1930.
Right away, pIease.
Get it in the Library of Congress now.
Oh, God.
Who`s seeing the CBS guy tonight?
Tonight, you remember some song from the foIk song days--
about a good oId shoe.
Tonight?
You`re with him watching the president`s speech--
What if he`s busy?
-Lure him. -What are you saying?
I don`t have to be your confessor, darIing.
TeII him you`ve got info on the sex scandaI...
it`s on your conscience.
He`II drop whatever he`s doing.
This is a shitty business.
It needs no ghost from the grave to teII us that...
but, Lord wiIIing, eight days from now...
I`m gonna take you into the second term.
Wait tiII you hear the speech.
The 303 speech. Great.
Where`s that Fad King?
I`II get him.
CouId we go now?
A good pIan today is better than a perfect pIan tomorrow.
How are they doing on Sergeant Schumann?
They`re working on him, they`re finding him.
Good. It`s working.
It`s aII happening. It`s taking pIace around us.
It is in the works. It is being addressed.
We are being proactive.
We are going out with what may be the finest exampIe--
Get me an update on the army, the Pentagon.
Get this guy Schumann.
Have him standing by.
I gotta teII you, I see a Iot of gIum faces.
PIease don`t be disconsoIate.
This is poIitics at its finest.
This is where the rubber meets the road.
We`ve got a Ieader going out tonight...
to 95 miIIion American homes.
He`s gonna turn this thing around.
You think this is tough?
I was 4 months into production on The Song of SoIomon...
found out I didn`t have the rights.
Turn it up. It`s our spot.
Tough? This is nothing.
WiII you Iook at that shit?
`Cause you don`t change horses in midstream.
Don`t change horses.
This speech is good.
We`re kinda Iocked into it, Mr. President.
For the future of our families...
The music. Where did they get that?
-Pain in the ass. -What?
He won`t do the speech.
What do you mean?
What choice does he have?
He won`t do the speech?
He says it`s corny.
It`s what? It`s corny?
Of course it`s corny.
We wouIdn`t have him say it if it wasn`t.
It`s not a question.
This is the center for rest of the thing.
Don`t teII me it`s corny.
We`re Iocked into the speech, right?
We`re Iocked in.
We are pIaying way past this.
We are past this.
This is what I need.
Get me 30 secretaries and put them in an office now.
I need to see the president.
I need 5 minutes.
Know what this reminds me of?
Years ago, when I first went out to HoIIywood...
they said, ``It`s too theatricaI.``
I was from the theater. Everything was over their heads.
He thinks it`s corny.
Don`t teII me it`s corny.
TeII him I`m comin`.
My feIIow Americans, I thank a mercifuI God...
and I am sure each and every one of us...
wiII thank that Supreme Power...
whatever we conceive that power to be...
that peace is at hand.
The threat of nucIear terrorism has been queIIed.
Mr. President, I`m using a IittIe more projection...
because I think this speech needs a IittIe umph.
Bear with me.
BeautifuI.
Thank you so much.
That was so moving.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
I feIt very much at home in there.
SimpIe quirk of fate.
I couId have gone this way.
It`s aII a change in wardrobe.
Was it too much?
I`II teII you.
You did it.
You jumped in there...
and saved the thing when the thing needed saving.
It wasn`t too much?
PersonaIIy?
Maybe it was.
The president doesn`t have to say it that way.
It`s Iike PIato once said.
It doesn`t matter how you get there...
as Iong as you get there.
He said that?
What is it exactIy you do for the president?
My fellow Americans, I thank a merciful God...
and I`m sure all of us will thank that Supreme Power...
whatever we conceive that power to be...
that peace is at hand.
The threat of nuclear terrorism has been quelled.
We are in contact with the Albanian premier...
who assures me--
and this government credits his assurances--
his country does not wish us ill...
Know any Latin?
I, CIaudius. That`s what I know.
I need a Latin motto for the patch.
The 303 patch.
...but by a designation number, 303.
A member was left behind what were then enemy lines.
I can only say to those family members of Group 303...
whose members are, I know as I speak...
gathering to comfort you.
To the parents of the missing man...
no effort will be spared...
to find this brave man and bring him home.
We`vejust received this photograph of Schumann...
held by a dissident group of Albanian terrorists.
I don`t know how many of you know Morse code...
but could you bring the camera closer?
You`ll see his sweater is worn.
It has been unraveled in places.
Those places form dashes and dots...
and those dots spell out a message in Morse code.
That message is, ``Courage, Mom.``
He got the message through.
Not bad for government work.
Having a good time?
Haven`t had this much fun since Iive TV.
To the men and women of Unit 303...
to my fellow citizens, I say, ``Courage, Mom.``
I have informed Albania that we will not rest...
until the safe return of Sergeant Schumann.
I`m told his unit mates gave him the nickname ``Old Shoe.``
Wasn`t there a foIk song caIIed ``OId Shoe?``
Do you remember that? Something Iike...
I don`t know. I can vagueIy remember it.
Do you know what I`m taIking about?
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night and God bless.
Trump that, Senator NeaI, you Howdy-Doody-Iooking vontz.
As we reported earlier, U.S. Serviceman Willie Schumann...
remains missing behind enemy lines...
It`s aII thinking ahead.
That`s what producing is.
It`s Iike being a pIumber.
Do your job right, nobody shouId notice.
When you fuck up, everything gets fuII of shit.
...symbol of the military team...
Sergeant William Schumann, the ``Old Shoe.``
Let`s Iine up the president for the Peace Prize.
Our job ends on eIection day.
Come on.
Just for the symmetry of the thing?
That`s right.
If Kissinger can win the Peace Prize...
I wouIdn`t be surprised if I`d won the Preakness.
But our guy did bring peace.
But there wasn`t a war.
AII the greater accompIishment.
Where`s the money--
where`s the tie-in with throwing away shoes?
Who pays you for that?
You throw away shoes. What are you gonna do?
Buy new ones.
We have some powerfuI new friends...
at the InternationaI Association of Shoe Manufacturers.
You guys sure get around.
Fad King is my hero. Want to go first?
Sure.
Attaboy.
History, Connie.
Those are ratty shoes.
That`s why we`re fIinging them away.
You want to try some? Go ahead.
Attaboy.
Do it again.
Go ahead. Have a baII.
Watch this.
Go on, teII your friends.
This is interesting.
I havejust been handed this. Something just discovered.
A 1930s recording, part of the folk song collection...
Of the Library of Congress...
and a fitting song, if I may say so, about Shoe.
Schumann is the military soldier...
who`s been left behind enemy lines...
Jim, can I get a word with you?
Would you like to comment on Albania?
There is one thing I`d like to say.
This is to the Albanians that have this man.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart as one of your race.
I didn`t know Jim BeIushi was AIbanian.
The search for Willie Schumann continues...
As soon as we Iand, I want a refIexoIogist.
MaIe or femaIe?
The White House wants to know about...
the CongressionaI MedaI of Honor.
-What about it? -For Schumann.
Wait a minute. We got 86% in favor.
We bring him back tomorrow, charts don`t go down.
I don`t want to teII them how to do their business...
but why don`t they do it after the eIection?
Makes more sense, and it`II heIp them more.
When are you bringing him back?
King, show him the thing.
-It`s not done yet. -Show it to him.
TaIk about enIarging the market. TeII him.
Here it is. Artist`s rendering of the memoriaI.
The memoriaI?
That`s the memoriaI of the faIIen.
Of the AIbanian campaign.
-LoveIy. -It`s better than IoveIy.
This guy made a deaI with Governor Kneehigh--
Senator Leahy.
You shouId see the granite you have to put in this thing.
Got a site picked out and everything.
The beauty part is...
guess who retains the merchandising rights.
Show him the cIock?
Got it as a cIock.
LoveIy.
-Let`s go. -When`s Schumann coming back?
Getting him right now.
I need his neck size.
I think it`s 17 1l2.
Thinking 17 1l2 is not good enough.
I`m an artist, not a factory worker.
What did he eat behind enemy Iines?
Birds, snakes.
BuIIshit. He ate tiny cheeseburgers in tin foiI.
PuII a string, they heat themseIves.
We caII Burger King, Johnny Rockets.
We get the Shoe Burger with cheese and 303 sauce...
``Behind enemy Iines or anytime.``
That`s the sIogan.
I got the copyright on the AIbanian kitten thing.
I`m gonna caII Nike, get Rodman to dye his hair.
We`II have a sneaker-- ``Air Leopard.``
...a high school basketball game last night...
between Montgomery Bell and Blair Park.
Students, during the game...
in spontaneous moment of sheer patriotism...
threw their tennis shoes on the court by the hundreds,
just for the Old Shoe.
Bring him back. William Schumann...
There`s no business Iike it.
Demonstrations are springing up all over the country...
as Americans show their patriotism.
You ought to get them to run that inauguraI speech by me.
InauguraI speech? I don`t know.
The White House staff won`t give up that one.
Come on. Let me cIose out the thing in styIe.
I`ve come to feeI it`s my thing.
You take ajob, and many times, it`s just ajob...
HeII of a ride.
Isn`t it?
You take the bitter with the sweet...
or the sweet with the bitter.
What`s that expression?
...feeling good about the economy.
That`s why we`re voting for the president, Ed.
What do you think?
Bob, my mind wasn`t 100% made up, but now it is.
Don`t go changing horses in midstream.
Absolutely.
Who needs surprises these days?
For an economy you can rely on...
Fucking amateurs.
Pity of it is, two more days, and we bring it back home.
Knock wood.
Who`s gonna know?
Who`s gonna know what we did?
Pride of ajob weII done, Stan.
It`s the pride of ajob weII done, but it`s more.
It`s the gratitude of your party and your president, right?
-Is that the thing? -Indeed it is.
Dean City, OkIahoma. Army speciaI programs.
TeII `em to bring Schumann to the pIane.
We`II bring him back and stash him in the hospitaI.
CaII the pIane. TeII me where to pick him up.
I bet you`re good at chess.
I wouId be, I couId remember how aII the pieces move.
We`II caII you.
I`ll do the same in His great name...
if you have courage, Mom.
I can always feel your love.
Send, and I`ll receive.
Units of 303, the Defense Department...
confirmed earIy this morning, AIbanian time...
stormed the mountain hideaway near the city of...
freeing a tired but happy WiIIiam Schumann.
A high White House source confirms...
that he`s expected in Washington tomorrow morning.
How`s that?
When we touch down tomorrow...
Big Bird meets Schumann at the airport?
Big mistake. You got to bring him in by stages.
Big mistake to reveaI Schumann before the eIection.
How so?
Sweetheart, Schumann is the shark.
Schumann is Jaws.
You have to tease `em.
You don`t put Jaws in the first reeI of the movie.
It`s the contract, sweetheart.
The contract with the eIection, whether they know it or not...
is vote for me Tuesday...
Wednesday, I wiII produce Schumann.
That`s what they`re paying their seven bucks for.
Know what I mean?
Whatever.
Everybody`s gotta Iearn.
Any business.
You take the fruit of 40 years...
hard Iessons, mistakes, and you caII it wisdom.
That`s the truth.
End of the day, just when you know something...
time to go home.
You got decades in you now.
You got decades Ieft in you.
Yeah, but...
What couId I do to top this?
The 37th Psalm.
I`ll do the same in His great name...
if you have courage, Mom.
You see her? That was reaI tears.
We were gonna give her those drops.
-She cried. -ReaIIy?
-She cried reaI. -It Iooks it.
Pray for me...
and the USA.
Pray they never use the bomb.
What are you going to do after this?
They owe you big.
Ambassador to this or that, whatever.
Ambassador to what?
I don`t even Iike to go to Brentwood.
That`s what I want.
That`s my reward.
That`s the payoff.
You want to go to the InauguraI?
Might if I was asked.
This here, Schumann and us...
Look at that. King Kong and the trainers.
This is it.
I`m standing with this picture of Sergeant Willie Schumann.
He`s become known to Americans simply as the Old Shoe...
This is gonna be a masterpiece.
Giving them what they want.
...his Group 303 and left behind in enemy territory.
Here at Andrews Air Force Base...
they prepare for the return of Willie Schumann.
Sergeant Schumann, if I may, weIcome to history.
Sergeant Schumann, I`m Ames.
Somebody named Brean?
Right here.
Sign here for me.
Captain, you want to take her up?
There`s heavy weather back east.
What do you think?
6 to 5 and pick `em. You want to chance it?
If it`II fIy, Iet`s fIy. PeopIe are waiting.
A chiId at the airport breaks through the ranks...
runs to OId Shoe, rubs meat on Schumann`s cuff.
A IittIe dog runs to it. The dog Ioves Schumann.
He is a perfect war hero.
Perfect.
You cast him.
AII right. Book it up.
What`s this?
Keys to the manacIes.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
What is the troubIe?
No troubIe at aII, ma`am.
Then why is he in chains?
He`s in chains because he`s a convict.
A convict?
How you doing?
Take a Iook.
When we asked for speciaI programs...
they gave us speciaI prisons.
OnIy a one-word difference.
-Has he been in jaiI Iong? -12 years.
Does he have much Ionger to serve?
What did he do?
He raped a nun.
-And... -I don`t want to know an ``and.``
Why is there an ``and``?
He`s fine as Iong as he gets his medications.
And if he doesn`t?
He`s not fine.
Up there, Captain.
You`d better get us to Washington.
How are ya?
Fine.
Gonna get me back tomorrow?
`Cause, you know, tomorrow they`re having beans.
I need a readjustment. We have to rethink this.
Beans!
We`re trying to do this thing.
As Iong as you get me back for the beans.
He`s sicker than we thought.
Rush him under wraps to WaIter Reed for tests.
If you`re gonna keep me out, I`d Iike to go to church.
You know what I mean?
Are you very reIigious?
What have you done to me?
AII combat takes pIace at night in the rain...
at the junction of four map segments.
What are you going to do?
He`s fine as Iong as he gets his medication.
Speaking of that, we`re gonna need Iots of this.
Get on the phone and get it.
You peopIe are Iooking at this wrong.
If you Iook at the back story...
the guy is coming back from combat and torture...
of course he`s going to be a IittIe fucked up.
He`s gonna need heIp.
Anybody want a beer? `Cause I couId party.
I`m gonna need an ambuIance.
We take him the Iast moment from the pIane.
We Iand, take him from the pIane to the ambuIance.
Air Force jet Iands, we take somebody eIse from that jet.
What the fuck do I care?
Somebody in a hospitaI gown.
You get me back for the beans.
`Cause tomorrow`s the beans.
`Cause this dog ain`t gonna hunt.
He`s gonna be fine.
Aren`t you, WiIIiam?
Speaking of which, I have a prescription here.
I want you standing by with a Iot of this stuff.
A crate of it. It`s...
Anti-psychotic.
The number is V--
This is nothing.
I used to think I was a pharmacist...
the stuff I carried.
With the beans, you can teII if they`re puttin` stuff in it.
So you don`t have to fear it.
What kind of stuff?
What do you mean, what kind of stuff?
He just wanted to know what you meant.
Did you mean?
-I didn`t. -He didn`t mean.
-He didn`t mean anything. -You meant something.
He didn`t mean anything.
Give him another piII.
What the fuck do you mean, what kind of stuff?
PiII, WiIIiam.
This is nothing. Did you ever shoot in ItaIy?
Try three starIets swacked-out on Benzedrine and grappa.
This is nothing.
This is a waIk in the park.
Who are you?
Who are you sons of bitches?
-KiIIers! -Just caIm down.
Where are you taking me?
Oh, my God!
Sergeant Willie Schumann is coming home.
Schumann`s plane should be over the Atlantic Ocean...
making its final descent back into this country.
The White House reported...
he was safely rescued and on his way to American soil.
We`re still waiting for his plane...
at Andrews Air Force Base.
A plane that is due to land. Long overdue.
The president is monitoring the situation...
personally and closely.
We will keep you updated as to any developments.
Thank you very much.
Oh, God. What do we do now?
What do we do now, boy producer?
Mister win-an-Emmy, sociaI-conscience, whaIe-shit...
save-the-rain-forest, peacenik-commie...
fuckin`-hire-a-convict shithead?
What do we do now, IiberaI, affirmative action, shithead...
peacenik commie fuck?
This is nothing. Piece of cake.
Producing is being a samurai warrior.
They pay you day in, day out for years...
so that one day, when caIIed upon...
you can respond, your training at its peak...
and save the day!
Produce this Schumann.
Produce him, I say...
or, and I don`t hesitate to say this...
rank him as just another in a series of broken promises.
This tardy absence of the flight must give us pause...
and in that pause, we should take time to examine ourselves--
Fuck you.
Leave it aIone. What did teIevision do to you?
It destroyed the eIectoraI process.
Enough Iovemaking. Let`s go. Come on.
-Where? -We got work to do.
Come on, paI.
Is it time for exercise?
It`s my day in the yard.
Let`s get him to the highway.
Think this is tough? Come on, paI!
This is nothing! Piece of cake!
AIbanian dissidents...
having somehow obtained a surface-to-air missiIe...
You had your fortune here.
You were ready to throw it away.
If you got a probIem, soIve it. That`s producing.
Someday when they teII this story--
You can`t teII this story.
-Why not? -Somebody wouId have you kiIIed.
Of course, I know.
Not now. But when they do teII the story--
Nobody can teII this story, ever.
Listen to me. This is what I do for a Iiving.
You can`t teII this story. He`s not kidding you.
You can`t teII this story. You knew that.
The deaI was you get an ambassadorship.
I used to have a Camaro.
What are you going to teII? The guy`s a nut case.
You wouId be too if you went through what he went through.
He raped a nun.
What he went through in AIbania.
He`s doped to the giIIs.
Where`s my IittIe piIIs?
Show some compassion.
He spent the Iast 12 years in a miIitary prison.
How are we gonna expIain that?
ExpIain it? Am I worried?
How do we expIain that when the worId is watching?
Fuck the worId. Try a 10 a.m. pitch meeting...
cooked to the giIIs, and you haven`t read the treatment.
How do we expIain he was in prison?
WeII, you see, Winifred...
this is where you`ve never been at a pitch.
His records say he was in prison...
as they say for aII the men and women of Group 303...
as they must because of the secrecy invoIved.
I`m on top of it.
Not sure whether enemy action...
I`m fine. I got it.
StanIey, I toId you, I do this for a Iiving.
You do what for a Iiving?
ExactIy what do you do for the president?
I Iost my waIIet. You got any change?
How we doing, boy?
Ready to mix it up?
Is today Iaundry day?
-What do you do on Iaundry day? -Laundry.
Stand by to copy this. Just get a penciI.
Down safeIy.
Produce this Schumann.
Produce him, I say, or, and I don`t hesitate to say this...
rank him as just another in a series of broken promises.
Sustained minor injuries.
FIight crew being investigated for possibIe piIot error.
Transshipped to an undiscIosed Iocation.
This deserted runway should be filled with well-wishers.
How you doing? A coId drink?
Schumann was to return to American soil today...
after his safe rescue in Albania.
He Iooks Iike me.
...deserves an explanation from the White House.
Wait, we are now going live to the White House.
I have an update regarding the aircraft incident...
involving Sergeant Schumann.
He is down safely and will be transshipped.
We are informed he has sustained minor injuries...
which will require his being medicated for some time...
Bring in the cavaIry. Nick of time.
PoIiticaI shitbirds. Fuck with us, huh?
They don`t know who they`re pIaying with.
Purty.
I`m a IittIe concerned about the driver of the rig.
-What rig? -The harvester.
-What about him? -He doesn`t have his green card.
So what?
You want Schumann to be rescued by an iIIegaI aIien?
We can`t have Schumann saved by an iIIegaI immigrant.
Get on the phone. FIy in ajudge.
Get on the phone. What`s aII this moping about?
Do you have any change?
I Iike the night Iife, I Iike to boogie.
Susie!
WiIIiam?
Are you aII right?
KickbaII.
Let me taIk to him!
What are you doing?
I think we shouId--
WiIIie, where are you going?
Shoester!
Let me taIk to him. Shoe, you in there?
I`II kiII that son of a bitch.
I have a reIationship. You want to taIk?
Get you anything you want. You want some beans?
WiII that do it, Shoester?
Come on, Shoe!
He`s dead.
Wait a minute.
He`s not dead. He`s aIive.
Strike that.
So cIose and yet so far.
What do you mean?
We were this cIose.
This is nothing.
This just got big.
Big? He`s dead.
We kiIIed OId Shoe.
What is better than the triumphaI homecoming...
of a war hero?
Ready!
Lift!
We`re gathered here...
with a cross to bear.
The bravest men...
anywhere.
That this great land...
will remain free.
God bless the men...
of the 303.
Side by side...
we know no fear.
Our minds are sharp.
Our eyes are clear.
In the air, on land...
or on the sea...
we`re the fightin` men...
of the 303.
Give us this day...
our daily bread...
and leopard skin...
for our head.
That we may fight...
Coffee?
PIease.
Looking good.
Bring it aII back home.
Lassie barks twice, and it`s time to take out the garbage.
HeII of a show.
HeII of ajob.
It`s just producing.
There`s no Academy Award for producing.
You`re kidding.
Where do movies come from if nobody produces them?
They come from peopIe Iike you.
You just got to take the bitter with the better.
Job`s aImost done--
knock on wood.
We did a good job.
That`s our reward.
You can`t save the worId.
AII you can do is try.
Ain`t that the truth?
As we said, the president--
thrust of the Albanian episode to put him over the top.
You could say that, Shirley, but it`s not true.
What would be true, then?
You said it earlier, if I may rephrase...
the success of the president in the polls--
As of today, 89% favorable.
Based not on the events...
but on the spin given to those events.
What`s the Iesson here? Never give up.
You`re right.
The show must go on.
Proud tradition.
I am prouder of this than anything I ever did.
You shouId be.
I want to thank you.
You gave me a good opportunity.
As we said, the president, a surefire winner...
and the campaign, many said, that put him there.
Another great race today, Johnny.
Who you going to ride in the Stakes?
Eddie, like my daddy always used to say...
The message is irrelevant.
The main element we have to deal with...
is that fear is what`s driving a lot of people.
Commercials.
The president is a product.
He`s the President of the United States at 89%.
Which we`re dealing with today.
Commercials.
It`s time the American people began to look at that.
Now we`re going to take your calls.
The number is 1-800...
Oh, shit.
StanIey, what are you doing?
What am I doing?
I`m going to caII somebody.
That`s very funny.
I`m going to get these peopIe straight.
You can`t do that.
Watch me.
You knew the deaI when you signed on.
Come on. DeaIs change.
Sure it is.
Let`s rethink that ambassadorship.
I`m taIking London. I`m taIking Paris.
A secret account for your extra expenses...
getting Iaid whenever you want.
Marine guards wiII saIute you.
It`s tempting, but I got to answer to a higher caIIing.
-Art. -Money?
You think I did this for money?
I did this for credit.
You knew you couIdn`t take the credit.
I`m not going to stand here...
and Iet two dickheads from fiIm schooI take it.
Listen to me.
Are you nuts?
StanIey, no fooIing.
You`re pIaying with your Iife.
Fuck my Iife.
I want the credit.
Know what the New York Times said about my Iast picture?
They caIIed it ``a thriII ride for the ages...``
but they didn`t mention the producer.
They taIked about the costumes...
but never taIked about the producer.
You know what that picture grossed?
Now I`m going to stand here...
and Iet some Iimp-dick fiIm-schooI pansy...
take the credit?
You can`t do it.
Don`t you teII me that!
Don`t you ever teII me that!
I am the producer!
If I didn`t step up, you`re nowhere!
I put this together out of spit and poIish!
Look at that.
That is a compIete fucking fraud...
and it Iooks 100% reaI.
It`s the best work I`ve ever done in my Iife...
because it`s so honest.
They toId me I couIdn`t remake Moby Dick...
from the point of view of the whaIe.
$450 miIIion domestic.
I`m not even taIking about the video.
I made this Iame turkey fIy.
I did it--pure HoIIywood.
For once in my Iife, I won`t be pissed on.
Do you hear me?
I want the credit.
I`m taking it.
Shit.
He`s coming down.
CouId I see you a minute? Thanks.
Do you swear to uphoId...
the duties and responsibiIities...
of a citizen of the United States of America--
to defend her in time of periI...
to defend her from aII enemies, foreign and domestic?
Do you make this pIedge with fuII resoIve?
Common ground...
and family.
Let`s give thanks...
to the 303.
Years from now...
when we are gone...
our children`s kids...
will hear this song.
Think how strong...
and proud they`ll be.
Grandpa fought...
for the 303.
God bless the men...
of the 303.
Ten-hut!
Present arms!
Turning to the Hollywood page...
famed film producer Stanley R. Motss...
died suddenly of a massive heart attack...
while sunbathing poolside.
Mr. Motss was 57 or 62-years-old...
depending on the bio.
His credits include numerous films...
which America has come to love as old classics.
This just in.
A group calling itself ``Albania Unite...``
has claimed responsibility for the bombing moments ago...
of the village of Klos, Albania.
The president was unavailable for comment...
but General William Scott of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...
says he has no doubt we`ll be sending planes and troops...
back in to finish thejob.